Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Waking up in Vegas

Ok, maybe not in Vegas, but I seriously wish I was somewhere nice, relaxing and not suffering through this pain.

It is day two of post surgery and recovery and I can honestly say...ouch that hurts. I was trying to be strong yesterday. So much so that I refused the wheelchair and walked out of the hospital on my own. I know, I am regretting it right now. I may have been filled with meds that I didn't feel any major pain - until this afternoon.

I have been thinking about yesterday and what I remember from the whole experience.

We left for the hospital about 7:30 and arrived before check in of 8 am.

I watched my favorite song again before getting up to pray one more time with my parents. A prayer before bed and a prayer before taking off to the hospital.

Once we arrived, we were sent to room 4442 and was asked to sit there while the nurse checked me in. She gave me hospital clothes and tags. She also started an IV and gave me some fluids.

This nurse was so nice and gentle. She gave me a little shot of something so that the pain wasn't so bad when she stuck the needle in search for my vein.

Then we waited until I was called in for the anesthesiology dude to show up before my surgery at 10:55 am.

So we waited.

My dad found the free wifi and my mom watched television.

About 10:30, they rolled me to the waiting area where I would be given some anesthesia before heading to the OR. I met some very nice and chatty nurses, which was awesome because I was nervous.

It all felt very real. I had been holding back the fear, worry, stress and everything in between. Finally the nurse looked at me and told me to relax. She asked me to stop asking questions and let it go. And she was right.

My doctor showed up, talks to me for a bit and then the anesthesiologist gave me a little doze (that's what he called it) so I can relax a bit. Then they rolled me to the operating room. My mom went to the waiting area and then I was in the room. A bunch of nurses and doctors and even some interns where there to watch. I had met them before and I knew they would be there. Hey, I helped some future doctors. Haha they just watched, they in no way participated in the procedure.

One of the nurses asked me to move to the next table. I did, they secured me. People all over me, moving my IV, making sure I was comfortable and settling in me in. One of the nurses put a breathing mask on me and asked me to breathe in deeply. I looked over to him and asked him not to drop me. He laughed and said not to worry.

And that's all I remember. Next thing I open my eyes and everything was so blurry. Obviously because I didn't have my glasses. I started coughing. Two nurses came over and asked me if I knew where I was. I have no idea what I answered. I was in and out. It felt like I wanted to keep sleeping, but couldn't because I wanted to get up. The nurses kept asking me not to move. And I couldn't get up, what was I thinking. But in that moment of confusion, I wanted to get up. My lip was hurting and so I touched it. The nurse said it was from the breathing tube they had put in me. I had no idea they would be putting one on me. No wonder my throat was hurting and felt dry.

And so I closed my eyes. Next thing I remember I was back in my room. My parents are there. A new nurse is talking to me but I can't remember what she's saying or if she's even asking a question. My mom tries to put my glasses on but I move them away from my face. I felt like a drunk. Someone who had totally and utterly waisted their entire night drinking shot after shot and was now being kicked out of the bar, but being the annoying customer, refusing to leave.

My mom said they gave her this card to keep them updated on my surgery. This is kind of cool.

But my mom later said she was super worried because the "patient in surgery" was never changing to the next level. Then "surgery started" and that's when she said she started to get even more nervous.

She later told me the doctor told them everything went well. The mass was removed and everything else they were doing went well. (I shall spare you my one reader of what else they did). Overall, it was three things they did and the removal and biopsy of that mass was just one of them.

So I went back to sleep. It was now about 2 pm and the nurse asked if I wanted something warm. She brought me chicken soup and crackers. I ate and they were glad. She said I had to eat, pee and be aware of my surroundings before they released me from hospital. All three were successfully completed and I was released soon after.

The rest of the day I felt ok. I had no pain. I did lay in bed and watched some television. My parents cooked for me. The doctor said I couldn't eat anything big or solid, like a burger. Darn it because that's what I wanted for lunch. 

But after getting this bowl of deliciousness all was amazing in my world.

This morning I woke feeling a bit better. 

And so to pass the time I started playing Candy Crush. So much that I am up to level 25 right now.

And I wore my lucky monkey hat.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, I started to feel pain and lots of it. In my stomach area, my jaw, my back. Oh gosh, all the meds they had given me at the hospital were now officially out of my system.

I am taking the pain killers they gave me, but this is unlike any cramping or pain I have experience before. This is the pain I would be going through had meds and anesthesia didn't exist.

But I ate more caldo. Napped. Listened to music and played more Candy Crush.

Then my dad surprised me with this for dinner.

And all was ok in the world. I am seriously in so much pain now and this is all I can remember from the surgery. My throat is so raspy from the breathing tube, I have been trying not to talk to much. I am off to bed. One more day to get better before heading to work Thursday.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Last meal

I woke up again in such pain. I did go to bed early, but I was so restless. It does look like my body just gave up and I knocked out.

I couldn't sleepy and so I got up. My parents were set to arrive by noon time. I made sure I cleaned the apartment, finished laundry and relaxed. I was so tired and sleepy and in pain.

Once my parents showed up I was so happy to see them! My parents were here to take care of me. I can say I am a very independent self sufficient woman, I can go anywhere on my own with no problem, but having them around makes life beautiful. I can relax knowing that they are going to be there for me tomorrow when I am down. When I am in pain and possibly crying and hungry. In other words, when I am cranky and at my worst.

And let's face it, I am scared.

The side effects of the surgery is not a walk in the park. I am nervous about the anesthesia, the side effects the doctor read to me before I signed the concent form were troubling. Internal bleeding? Infection?

And to top it off, I am my surgents first surgery of the day. Oh gosh, that's nerve breaking. Like us teachers, we usually use the first period to test our lessons. By the end of the class period, we know what will work and what it won't and what needs to be tweaked. I just hope she does ok with my surgery.

But before all that I had my last meal tonight. Or should I say meals, before midnight.

Since I was not hungry, I skipped lunch, but did have a bowl of cereal before dinner was finished.

For my actual dinner, I had chicken caldo and then later had a cup of coffee with vanilla creamer. I know, I know, it's not like I am on death row and needed my last meal, I just wanted to enjoy this moment. What if tonight was my last meal. What if something happens? I pray to God everything turns out ok, and hope for the best, but sometimes, things just go wrong. I will say I will be very angry if something goes wrong. I want to be there for my niece and my nephew and I want to see them graduate and get married and even have children. I only hope the doctor can have peace tomorrow and things go great.

Off to spend some time with my parents. Laters.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

First day

I feel like I am preparing for the first day of school. I am going somewhere new and I need to prepare. I have my to do list for tomorrow before the surgery on Monday. I remember like it was yesterday, the doctor told me what was going to happen in two weeks. Well, time has come and gone and Monday is almost here.

The parental units are in Austin and will arrive tomorrow morning. I always worry when they travel long distances, especially up here to west Texas. If they didn't have a daughter up here, they would never ever drive here or visit.

These last couple of days were torture. I had ran out of my medication and the constant pain and cramps were killing me. Yesterday was no exception. I waited for my meds to get to Walgreens so I could get them. They took for ever. One of the meds that I am suppose to take the night before the surgery was rejected by the pharmacy. It was 3 pm by the time I had found out and I was frantically calling the doctor and the nurse because I wanted to make sure I got the meds. The doctor had told me I needed to take them. She said I could forget to do everything Sunday, but not this. These pills were important for the surgery.

After being on hold for 20 min a lady finally answered only to ask me to hold again. After 5 min, the call dropped and I started to cry. I was in a panic. I was in pain. I wanted relief and all I had on the mind was to get the meds I needed to take the night before. Not to mention it was Friday and the office closed at 5 pm.

I called until finally the lady took my call and finally helped me. A medication that had been called in at 10 am, had finally gone through at 6 pm and I for one was one happy person.

Very happy indeed.

I didn't take my medication until this morning and all I can say is hallelujah, praise the lord, sweet baby Jesus for the medication. The last few days felt like someone was ripping my insides. It was a constant, agonizing sharp pain and cramping. I felt so tired and drained from all the discomfort. But a few hours after I took it, I was a bit better.

My do's and don'ts before surgery, it's a long list.

After surgery I am going to ask my dad to drive me to whataburger for food. By the time they doctor does the surgery, I would have not had anything to eat, or drink for approximately 10 to 11 hours.

Today was spent cleaning the apartment. I also did laundry and made sure all was in order. I know it's a small apartment, but I want the apartment to look presentable for when my parents show up.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Friday fun day?

The doctor visit was brief but filled with information. The doctor told me what was going to happen, what time, where, the time and what needed to be done before surgery on Monday.

After that doctor visit, I drove to the hospital to register. I had some labs done, pressure check and another EKG. I got a list of the do's and don't before the surgery. What time to show up and what to do in case something goes wrong. Just normal stuff.

The rest of the day was spent getting the medication I will need before, after and forever. I got a medication I will be taking for the next six months.

I am looking forward to my parents showing up. I am looking forward to my mom spoiling me and cooking for me and taking care of me. So excited!

I am beat. Been super exhausted. To be honest, I want this surgery to be over so I can rest and go back to normal. But is there ever a real normal life? Oh well.

I am off to bed. Tired. Sleepy. Good night.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Last day, for a while

I woke up this morning knowing today was the last day of work for a while. It felt odd. No goodbyes, no "I hope all goes ok," and I wasn't expecting anything from anyone. Everyone is too busy doing their own thing to stop and think of others. Heck I am guilty of that myself.

Today was no exception. I was in so much pain. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and call it a day. The pain, the cramps, the agony. I wanted to runaway, but I had classes to teach. I sat through a few of them, and lectured sitting down. Felt kind of odd, but it went well. I even had one of our ELA coaches do a mini lesson in one of my classes. It was great.

And have I mentioned how amazing I think my boss is? He was cool enough to lend me his copier code to make copies. I had met my copier limit and he let me make copies of work for the kids while I am gone. Super awesome boss. He also told me he hoped all went well and he said he knew all would be ok. Very encouraging, glad he said that to me before I left work today.

To keep me in the spirits and prepare myself for tomorrow's long day at the doctors office and hospital for registration, I have been watching my favorite singer of all time.

Amazing performance.

Sunday, the parental units come to visit me!!! �� 

Monday, February 09, 2015

Surgery approved

I went to the doctor today.

Yes, I was trying to be funny. These last couple of weeks have been way too serious. I took the photo while I waited for the doctor to show up.

I got a blood pressure check up and an EKG, which was all good. I told them I didn't need one, but apparently these tests are required before going under anesthesia.

My pressure was low today, these last couple of weeks it has been high. I can't help it, all this is driving me insane.

Work in the morning went well. My first period was my practice period, for the just in case my boss came in for my appraisal. Seriously, I want him to just go in and get this over with. Part of me is nervous beyond belief, the other just wants to welcome him with open arms.

Three more days and I will be registering at the hospital. 

Friday, February 06, 2015

Yes, I am angry

I have a friend who is pregnant. She's super excited, posting photos of herself on Facebook, showing off her belly and excitingly waiting impatiently to know the sex of the baby and to meet her new bundle of joy.

At work, this morning as I stood in a corner of the cafeteria for cafeteria duty, I stood between two male teachers who made small chat, talking about work and their favorite sports. Then one turns over to the other and asks, "So, how's the baby?"

His eyes widen up. His voice changes from that authoritative firm voice, to the voice of a giggling man talking about his baby. "Oh, he's beautiful and he's almost walking," one says. "Mine can't stop smiling. The most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life," the other ones says.

And I slowly walked away from that conversation. I walked away. Not being rude. Just heartbroken. Afraid that if I stayed long enough, the hurt I am feeling will come exploding out of my body. 

Having a baby changes you, they say. It will be the best thing you will ever experience in your life. That's the one thing only women will experience. Oh yeah? Well fuck you! Who ever said that has never known this type of pain. Will life suck for me because I will never be able to experience that joy?

These last couple of weeks I haven't had the strength to write all of me. I guess I figured if I didn't mention it or talk about what's going on, it would go away.

But people at work know now. I have told the boss, I have started working on lesson plans for that week. I am planning for the days I will be out.

In two weeks, I will be having surgery. A two centimeter mass was found in my uterus. I will be having outpatient surgery.

I knew something was wrong. They say a woman knows her own body. We know when something is not right, and I knew something was not right.

After a few tests, they told me about the mass. For the past week and a half I haven't been able to sleep. I toss and turn. I try not to worry about it, but it's there. This foreign mass in my body. In the reproductive machine that has always been broken, that will never know what growing a human inside will feel like.

I am angry. I am stressed. I am afraid. I am lonely. In a week I will be registering at the hospital and a few days after having the surgery. 

I am angry, so don't come to me and talk to me about the babies that you have. I don't want to hear about how happy it makes you or how you can't imagine life without it. Screw you. I have every right to be upset. Every right to be angry at the world. I will never experience that happiness. Go away and excuse me for not being happy for you.

Yeah, I am angry. But don't worry, I will have that artificial smile for you. I will try for my sadness and hurt not interfere with your happiness.

Well, this sums up my feelings. I am tired, off to bed.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

It's the final countdown

Queue Rocky Balboa music.

I woke up bright and early this Sunday to head over to school and prepare for my annual observation. I have no idea what day or class period my boss will show up, all I know is that he said he would come between this Monday and Friday to observe me. 

Talk about suspense. It's killing me. I have been a nervous mess. I hope he shows up Monday morning, first period so that I won't die of a premature heart attack. If I am nervous now, I can't imagine being stress this entire week.

I have been reading the story I will teach and coming up with some questions for the kids. Today I was at work from 9 am to 2 pm and I cleaned my room, fixed my desks, ran the power point to make sure my technology worked and printed stuff for class.

I feel like I am going to be entering the boxing ring this week. I knew this annual appraisal was coming. We all get them, it feels like it came too early and I am so worried, scared, nervous.

In this corner, second year teacher. Former editor and general manager of some tiny newspaper. Covered court trials, murders, happy fundraising events and even witnessed a Texas death row execution. Let's hear it for the nervous wreck Ms. Acosta.

And nothing. The sound of crickets and suddenly, boos circulate. Kids throw books at me, yell and scream.

In this corner. The boss. The Principal. Once attended this freshman campus as a student and now runs the place. He can walk in wherever and do whatever. The one, the only, the key master, the Big enchilada!

Everyone stands up and cheers. He walks up to me, like a boss and gives me "I am watching you" finger pointing sign.

I hope all goes ok and he doesn't leave me till the last minute. Like a bandaid, just pull it and get it over with.

Wish me luck my one blog reader, or Tori Amos fan that found my blog my searching for her and instead got me.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Out of the woods

I waited patiently.
Sitting outside his office, in the comfortable chairs.
People passed by, they stared.
I held on tightly to my notebook and pen.
"Did you get in trouble again ms. Acosta?" One lady asked.
"Yes, I got kicked out of class for disrupting the teacher, and got three referrals," I tell her.
And we both laugh. Of course, I wasn't in trouble, I was waiting to visit with my boss for my annual appraisal meeting. 

As a kid, I only got called to the principals office, for talking back to my photography teacher on the sidelines of a football field before Friday night lights. Long story, maybe some day I will tell it.

The way the appraisal works is, we meet, we talk and he tells me he will make a surprise visit to my class between certain days. For me, it's next week.
I am not going to lie. I am nervous. He makes me nervous. He's a very handsome man I admit, but he's my boss. He's making sure my performance as a teacher is up to standards. Am I worthy to continue to be a teacher? Am I teaching the right content? Are students understanding me or are they lost?

When I was the editor, the only performance review I got came at the end of every week. Did we meet our sales quota? Did we sell enough ads? What size? How many color ads? Did we miss our goal? Did we stay within the 60/40 percent of sales vs news content in the paper? What do we need to do next week to continue making money and keep the paper going?

Here, I am being judged by what I teach. Can I keep the attention of a few hundred teenagers and make them understand the subject?

After we spoke about my appraisal, we spoke about other things. I do enjoy talking to him. He's very down to earth and he's easy to talk to. Sometimes I see him and wonder, was I ever as good of a boss as him? He manages an entire school, filled with hundreds of employees. I only managed a weekly, no more than four employees with a $500,000 budget annually. Not the same.

I hope I do well and I don't fall on my face and make an ass of myself. I hope I don't forget what I am going to say and stumble and sound like an idiot. Dear lord, please don't make me fall. I want to continue teaching. If it's not meant to be for me to stay and tech at this grade level, please help me so that I can teach another grade level.

Today I went to check my mailbox and my secret bulldog appeared! He/she got me this:

Holy monkey, $25 gift card!!

Tomorrow we are supposed to get ice and rain and cold and hopefully some snow. Yay!

Monday, January 19, 2015

Back to work

I had so much fun spending time with my sister. We laughed and joked and talked about everything. I had so much fun and tried to ignore how sick I still feel. The sinus infection is long gone, but the stomach bug is still here. It's hanging out, like an uninvited guest. I have been so sick, I don't wish this on anyone. This is no fun. I haven't been able to eat very well for fear...lots of fear.

I am glad it's going to be a short week and possible snow Thursday. Hopefully it will give me time to get better. Feeling this sick is no fun.

I better get to bed. I have a tough day ahead of me tomorrow.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Table 42

The drive to Fort Worth went well. I left Midland about 8 am and got there just in time for lunch. I was a little upset. I have a coworker, who I hang with. She's been trying to get a car and sell her truck. For some reason she's been looking outside the area for the perfect car. For me, if I want a car I just go to a car dealership and get one. She found a seller from another state and they agreed to meet outside Dallas to test drive and buy the car. She asked me if I could drive her and I agreed. I was already driving to Fort Worth. After all, she's been there for me when I have needed something and I do consider her a friend. I get to her house as planned and instead, tells me she decided against it and starts to tell me why. I was trying to get away so I could make it on time to Fort Worth, but she kept talking. I finally had to tell her I wanted to get on the road.

In a way I am glad she didn't hitch a ride with me. I probably would have spent the entire day following her, trying to make sure she got her car. I would be a terrible person if I just dropped her off and left.

My sister and I have been hanging out all day. We had lunch, we went out and now, having dinner at our favorite place. We always sit in the same table.

We talk, laugh or just listen to music. We have been discussing my next move for work. Do I take the test again? Leave it alone? Have the big bosses at work already surrendered and accepted I will never pass the test and so they are not counting on me? Or does it even matter? Do I want to continue going through all the stress? I don't know. I still have a few weeks to think about it and plan for. But like I said, I think it's a big sign that I have taken this test already 5 times and I can't pass it. I take the other one and passed it on the first try. Do I belong here? What's going on? Do unicorns exist? Did Elvis leave the building? I don't know, I should stop stressing myself out.

Tuesday I have a visit from that person I kicked out of my room last week. She asked if I would be ready for her Tuesday. Do I have a choice? I asked myself. I really wish just the big bosses would make all the observations and everyone else would just stay away. The added pressure of an additional audience member is enough to take me into a stressful episode. I am so scared to death all this stress will lead me back to a trip to the ER like last year.

Oh well. Off to relax some more.

Friday, January 16, 2015


I was so tired and drained from work that I fell asleep so early last night. But it looks like I slept ok.

I just have been so tired. Every time we have a meeting the state test is flashed in a power point presentation. Every time I walk in its there, staring at us. No, we are not going to forget. We know. I try not to look at the board when I walk in because like the kids, I am nervous and stressed and even I don't want to remind myself of the test. We eat, sleep, think and talk this test. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I am not working toward the test, I am. I know what needs to be done, but sometimes no reminder would be nice.

Today I had an observation by the boss. The big enchilada. I was so nervous, but what bummed me the most was that he missed half of my lecture about figurative language. I had them. The kids were laughing, participating and they understood me. Instead, what the boss got was a nervous wreck "what the hell was I talking about?" I froze a little but. I got a good observation review from him and I am glad. Still, I know I will get better.

Enough about work....My sister and I have always been like peas and carrots. I have been there for the good and God knows I have been there for the bad. She stood by my side when I got married, and I stood by her side when she got married. I stood by her side when her marriage broke and she was there for mine as well.

Although we have always lived apart and in different cities, we have always made it a point to visit each other, no matter how far or busy we are. She's the first person I text in the morning and she's the last. We chat about anything.

I love my sister. My memories of growing up consist of us laughing until our stomachs ached so much, we couldn't catch our breaths. 

Many nights we spent laughing, talking and giggling until our mother from the room across the house would yell at us to be quiet and go to bed. When that didn't work, she would tell us to be quiet or we would run our is laughter when we got older and not be able to laugh, ever.

To that of course, we would laugh even harder. I don't think I ever felt scared because I knew I would have her by my side.

Even now as we are older, I think the bond and friendship we have has grown stronger. I for one, appreciate her more. Whenever she has needed any type of help, I have been there. She for me.

She and I have always had a special friendship. She's my sister, I love her. When she needs me I am there. I don't ever remember being angry or upset at her when we were growing up.

Sure we can have our bad days when we end up arguing, but for the most part we forget about it after a few minutes and pick up the conversation right were we started.

Tomorrow I leave for Fort Worth. When I found out I had time off, I told her I was heading over. But she's also been a little sick and I need to go take care of her. I am super excited.

Worked kind of sucked yesterday. After one of my morning meetings, someone tried to do an observation and I think with all the stress and everything that's going on in school told her to please go away.  I really felt strongly about this. I wasn't ready. I had been out of school for 1.5 days and still trying to catch up. So much is expected of us. We have to make sure to be our best. But I also deserve the right to say, "please, I am not ready." I won't do that to my bosses of course. Those are required so I have to suck it up and just do it. 

I should pack. Tomorrow will be a nice drive and then I get to see my sister!

Thursday, January 15, 2015

On a side note

These last couple of days have been good, but bad at the same time. The pain is gone, I don't feel swollen from my face anymore and the pain is gone. But the meds have this side effect that's just making me angry. I usually don't ever get side effects from meds, and I am glad I don't have the headaches, feeling dizzy and anything big like that. I am constantly hungry and at night I keep waking up just about every two hours. I haven't really had a good nights sleep in a few days.

Work has gone well. Kids are acting up again. I am not sure what they are thinking, what's going through their minds? Why are they acting up? It's not with everyone, it's only a few classes. 

Hopefully today I will not get any observations, it feels like I have been getting one everyday this week, except for Tuesday, since I was out. Dear DCs and VPs and principals, be nice and give us a break for a few days ☺️.

I am told we have Monday off. All this time I thought the kids were off and we had to work. Not sure what to do for three days. I need to plan something!

Enough blogging, must get ready for work.

Monday, January 12, 2015

The trip to the doctor

Anyone that knows me, knows I hate being sick. I can't be sick. I don't do sick very well. I am a bad patient.

When I had kidney stones, when working at Dell and I was in the middle of finishing  a presentation at work, I refused the ambulance that came to help. "I am ok...ouch!" I told my manager.

It was not until I felt a burning sensation inside my body that my boss finally drove to the hospital.

"Have you ever been in labor?" Asked the ER doctor.

"No sir, I don't have children," I told him.

"Well this is how it feels when you are in labor and having contractions," he said with a smile. "I guess you can say you are giving birth to a little rock."

"Well then you better make sure the meds keep coming doctor. It's open bar on my kidneys today."

Haha, not. Poor doctor, he was trying to make me feel better. It didn't work.

Last year when the ambulance came to school (notice there's a pattern here), to take me to the ER for elevated high blood pressure, I refused. "I am OK, I don't need to go..."

After some convincing I was wheeled out.

This past week I have been feeling so fatigued. My entire body has been hurting. I have been congested, ears and throat have been in pain. Did I go to the doctor? Nope. Until today. I just could not handle the pressure and pain anymore.

I went to tell my DC that I was planning on leaving because I was sick and then told me to talk to one of the VP's who then told me to talk to the principals secretary, who told me I had to go back to him and then told me to go back to her. After I got everything straightened out and my paperwork ready and she had some subs ready for me, I walked over to my boss to tell him I was sick and leaving.

"You are going to the doctor, right?" He asked.

"I am in pain I just want to go home and sleep," I told him.

In all honesty, going to the doctor didn't even cross my mind. I just wanted to sleep and rest. The pain will go away on its own. My stubbornness was getting in the way, again.

In the end, he convinced me and told me I should go.

So I did. And wouldn't you know it, I have an acute sinus infection. Well no wonder I have been feeling like hell.

First they checked to make sure I didn't have the flu. How did they do that? Glad you asked. The nurse poked me, up my nose, with a thin looking cotton swab that looked like a tiny toilet brush. She came out of no where. Before I could even ask, she just went in there and poked. Maybe she knew the type of patient I was. She knew I would interject. Ten minutes later, she said I was negative for the flu.

The doctor then checked my temperature, the inside of my ears and throat and pressed on my face and all I could say was "ouch that hurts!" She gave me two kinds of meds, a steroid and a penicillin antibiotic.

Hope I get better. I hate being sick.

In other news, I had lost my fitbit charger and was so upset. For part of last week and the weekend, my fitbit had not been charged. I drove to several stores on Sunday to buy one, but wouldn't you know it, they don't sell chargers. Strange. So I went to Amazon and bought me one online.

This morning, as I was walking to my car in the cold and rainy morning I got an email. I checked and it was Amazon letting me know my charger had shipped. Hooray! I then opened the car door to set my things and as I looked down what was lying on the ground? In the middle of parking spot 19?? Yep, my fitbit charger!!! Who knows how long it had been there all by itself. But I am glad I found it. It was wet and frozen, but it still works.

So in a few days I will be getting a new fitbit and wrist band that came with it.

Oh well. I need to go back to bed. One of  the meds knocked me out earlier. I hope I  get better.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Well that was odd

Last night I woke up after having a rather unsettling dream. It was dark, cloudy, there was lots of confusion going on. I think it may have been a riot. I remember it was cold and I didn't have a jacket. I was standing in the middle of the road with a lot of other people that were just as confused as I was. I remember looking back and seeing a house shake and explode. We all yelled. Remains of the house had landed a few blocks away, causing a big fire.

I looked for my phone and quickly called for help. We heard bullets, we felt bullets and people pushing each other.

We all jumped in on a bus and escaped from the craziness that was all around us. The bus suddenly stopped, everyone ran, except for me. I was caught in the middle of the gunfire. I couldn't escape. I remember finally running away from the bus and as I ran away from where I was, I was suddenly at the school gym. A pep rally has just ended and the bell had just run to go home. I walked like nothing was going on and started walking outside to my bus duty station. A few of my students said hello.

I woke up with fear. Why did I dream this?

And today as I was leaving work and saw this:

And this 

I was startled. Another teacher was in the building and I quickly went to tell her. We came back and noticed what looked like bullets. We counted five.

I don't know when this happened, but I do remember not seeing that when I walked by. I also remember as I was busy lesson planning hearing some loud bang and something hitting the floor. I ignored it because whenever I am in the building alone, I always hear noises. I hear bangs or knocks and well, I try to ignore any noise that's going to scare the crap out of me.

My dream came to mind. I got a little scared and all I wanted to do was go away. My blood pressure started to go up. 

Tomorrow we go back to work. It's going to be a long ass and hard and difficult and stressful day. Well, stressful semester. Advisory is starting tomorrow, an extra class to teach. Thirty new students every week for two months. Will they understand? Will the grasp the concepts? Will they want to learn?

I better head to bed.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Most. Not. Get. Sick.

I hope I am not getting sick.
I have been tired and my body has been hurting all week. Today I have sneezed and been stuffy all day long. The inside is my ears are itchy, a sign I am getting sick, for me at least I know that's weird.

I didn't go outside at all today. It was cold, rainy and some ice fell from the sky. That was cool.

Mostly I slept, watched tv and cooked. I rested and hoped this was just allergies and not a cold. I can't get sick. I have to work.

Tomorrow I have to go to work and get ready for the week and for advisory. I hope and pray I will not get any observations Monday. But who am I kidding, with my luck I will get three. On Friday I had two observations.

Anyway, I better get to bed again. I want to rest as much as I can. Must not get sick. Maybe if I repeat that over and over again I won't get sick.

Thursday, January 08, 2015


This has been one tough week, both for my body, and mind. Kids are starting to act up. I am tired, sleepy, hungry. Some of the kids are loud and even act louder when I get observations. Today I had one, even though this person asked me if she could come to check things out and I had asked her to please not, since I was nervous and wanted to try the lesson. Nope, she showed up and walked in. And right in to my loudest and biggest class and right after a meeting we've had. I am all for observations and making sure we are improving, but seriously - not cool. Not trying to complain but we are human - give us time to compose ourselves, this job, although very fun and rewarding - is stressful.

Anyway, as you can read, my one blog reader, is why I haven't really posted anything in a few days. I end up sounding like all I do is complain and that's not me. I am just having a bad week. I just hate that that time when its all feeling like everything is coming down - observations happen.

I guess there will never be a right time. It's just going to happen - like breaking news. It happens and you have to jump at the scene.

When I am stressed or work is moving to fast, a breaking news story I covered a few  years ago comes to mind. I had just put the paper to bed when the breaking news happened. I was the editor of the weekly, but I was also the daily reporter for the daily paper. Breaking news were here and I had to cover it. Whatever time of the day, breaking news happened, I had to drop everything I was doing and cover for them. 

That day I had been at the office at 4 am to organize and plan and paginate the paper and as usual by 3 pm, I was getting the ok for the pages to be send to press. 

But I also had a minute by minute deadline. Go to the scene of the crime, take photos with my phone, get information and post on facebook, Twitter and the website. That day ended closer to midnight. I wanted to stop everything and just sleep. I was tired, I wanted to give up, but I knew I had to do this. I guess what I am trying to say is, whatever the jobs is, you have to be ready no matter what. Jump at it and do it.

What was the story?

Family of six found shot in Bay City


Nov. 30, 2011 at 5:30 a.m.
Updated Dec. 1, 2011 at 6:01 a.m.

BAY CITY - Six members of a family were found shot at a home in the 2700 block of 10th Street about 3:15 p.m. Wednesday.

Bay City police officers went to the home in response to a call about a woman being shot. When they arrived, they discovered the six-member family - four children, a woman and a man - shot, said Bay City Police Lt. Andrew Lewis.

The children were flown by LifeFlight helicopter to different hospitals in Houston.

The suspected shooter was dead at the scene from what appeared to be a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head, Lewis said.

"We know the female victim is currently in surgery," he added.

Arturo Gonzales, who worked with the woman - identified as Laura Gonzales - said she was 24 years old and worked as a waitress at La Casona, a Mexican restaurant in Bay City.

She had worked earlier that day, and Gonzales said he could not believe the news.

"I came to the scene as soon as I found out what happened," Gonzales said. "She is such a good person and friendly."

Gonzales said he knew the couple would constantly argue.

Gilbert Garza Jr. said he was coming home from work when he saw school children running down the street and their mothers pulling them out of the way.

Students from nearby Cherry Elementary School - about two blocks away on Cottonwood Avenue - were leaving school for the day when the shooting occurred.

At the scene, the shooter was covered with a blanket soon after police arrived, he said.

"This is just horrible to see," Garza said. "My daughter goes to school with one of the kids."

Neighbor Laura Perez said one of the injured children was 2 years old.

Garza said the older children ranged in age from 5 to 8 years old.

Front-door neighbor Casta Alvarado was surprised by the shooting. Alvarado said she always saw them walking across the street to the Cherry Elementary playground.

She said she didn't think the couple was having problems.

"I saw them at the park, and they looked so happy," she said.

Perez also said the family was very quiet and that she always saw them playing outside with their kids.

"I don't understand what made him do that," Perez said.

The father, Jose (last name unknown), had recently lost his job, and his wife had moved into the Matagorda County Women's Crisis Center, Perez said.

"Whatever made her come home this day I don't understand," Perez said. "I would not come back."

Later in the evening, people were flocking to the site, dropping off balloons, bears and lighted candles.

Maliyah Griggs said she came to visit to pray for the children.

"I left a bear and rosary and Bible," she said.

"It's sad what happens and it breaks my heart that this happened. (I did it) to remember the children and help the family get through it," she said.

Monday, January 05, 2015

Catching my breath

Today has been a mix of happiness, sadness and stress and just, well, nervousness for this coming semester.

I am trying to catch my breath. We just got back from holiday, but it feels like everything is going wrong already.

To start the back to school week, I got an email stating my test results were in. 

I got nervous. I have been ready. I knew it would take three weeks. So these last two weeks I spent the time relaxing because I knew it would go both ways. But I kept telling myself, Pass or fail, I would be ok. I studied like there was no tomorrow. I dissected those questions left and right. And for what?

I failed.

Can I suck anymore at this?

I went to say hello to my boss during lunch. One of my teacher friends says its weird that I just walk over and stop and say hello to him like he was an old friend. I can't help it. I like talking to him. And I do that with everyone. If I like talking to you, you are getting a visit from me, so watch out.

I talked to him about the Christmas break and other things and then told him I failed the test. I swear, the look on his face looked like disappointment. I know he probably didn't do anything, but I walked in with the mindset that I would be telling him bad news.

I honestly don't know what else I can do. I feel like I am not only disappointing him, I am disappointing myself and even embarrassing myself.

He did tell me my 18 week assessment scores for all my kids and I was surprised because they were good. Well, not good, but high for me. Compared to the average score in the district, they were ok. I am glad he told me. Maybe be was trying to cheer me up a bit? Maybe it was a warning? Do this or else? Whatever his reason for telling me, I appreciated it.

Why can't I pass this test? What is wrong with me? Am I that bad?

Then to top it off I got an observation during 8th period. I knew it was coming. Two other teachers I know told me they got one in first period and I knew this would happen. I don't agree with first day observations. Specially after coming back from two weeks of doing nothing. But that is their job and I understand it has to be done. I tried to stay upbeat all day today, but all I could think of was the stupid test and how bad I suck at this.

Anyway, today is totally the suckiest of sucky days. I failed the test, again and got a not so good observation. I need to go to sleep.

Friday, January 02, 2015

Out of the rain

Today's plan to leave for Midland were placed on hold. There's this big arctic storm that doesn't want to leave the area and I am told all the roads are covered in ice, it's rainy and there's snow, and lots of it. I have watched news clips where people are standed on the highway or at a standstill. So yeah, I am in no rush to get back at all.

This morning I drove to pick up my sister from the airport. At 5 am I drove to this massive airport that was a ball of messiness. Turn here, exit here, park here, left, right...aaaah! Airports stress me out because I never know where the heck to turn. Luckily there's not much traffic at that time, so I was able to maneuver my way through. When I dropped her off on Tuesday, it went well of course.

After I picked her up we went to eat at this cafe that was featured on the Food Network and it was the most delicious food ever.

Seriously, it was amazing.

We napped and hung out the rest of the day and then headed to dinner before heading back to the airport (third time for me) and pick up my sisters boyfriend. They flew in different airlines and times because of cost. Darn you airlines! It was super rainy all day and going up there was no different. I had to be more alert and aware of everything. We had to pick him up from a different airline and so the terminal was different. 

We are back home now and still trying to decide if I should leave tomorrow or stay through Sunday. I really am in no rush, as long as I make it on time for work on Monday, I am ok. I haven't been to my apartment in about 13 days...what's another day right?

I am exhausted and just want to go to bed. Just 237 more days to go!

Thursday, January 01, 2015

Page 1 of 238

Every year I try to reflect on the life I have lived, the things I have done and what I want to accomplish in the future. Today, as I sipped hot coffee, enjoying the cold weather and thinking about work next week, it dawned on me that my next birthday will be my 40th. I know, I don't look or feel 40, but it's coming. It will be here before I know it. Will I be ready? What will happen between now and August?

I am still single, not married and with no kids. Is this how I was meant to live? Will I forever be known as "Tia?"

In 238 days, yes, I counted, I will turn 40. I am saying goodbye to my 30s and welcoming my 40s. I am crossing that threshold of adulthood. I know, I have been an adult for quite some time. But I have always felt that 40, is that number were we have to accept our fate. We are that much closer to the midway point of 50. 

I always imagined by this time I would have a significant other, with the 3.5 kids, the mortgage and that cool job. Well, I have the cool job and the 3 kids I can forget about. Why? Well, I told myself if I ever had one I would be married or at least in a committed relationship and those options are not in the books for me right now. The .5 I can still get. I haven't decided yet if it will be a cat or a dog.

I often wonder if this is what God intended for me, or did I by some cosmic way made an unconscious choice. Did he put forth the best two scenarios for me and I unintentionally without notice, just made it? In essence, did I make my own bed? Did I have that symbolic two doors and I walked right through one without giving it a second though?

Well, in seeing that in 238 days I will be turning the big 40, I will try to live everyday to the fullest. Let's see if my "Project 40" will turn into something. Will I learn something along the way? Is this just my own therapeutic way of accepting that I am indeed getting super old and just want to make myself feel better about it? Who knows. 

Last week I gave my brother a copy of my life insurance papers and told him I had made Aly and Caleb my beneficiaries. When I die, they will get a big chunk of money.

"But you are only 39 Tia..." He told me. "39...young."

Once I decided this was going to be my next blog adventure, I couldn't wait to get idea to paper. People always make their New Years resolutions and I for one have never been that good in keeping them. So this blog, will turn into my "Project 40" of some sorts. Sure, I will use it to write about whatever is happening and if I think about it, it will stay to be the exact same blog, but now it will have a purpose. What will I write about you ask? Well, I am not sure. I am sure I can focus on my bucket list or expressing myself about work or my love for coffee - but this I know - it will have sometime of a countdown. I will set some goals. I will write something motivational, for me that is.

For now, here are some ideas I have jotted down on paper. I wanted to put all this out into the internet world, before the clock struck midnight. I wanted to post something the first day of the year. 

Let's see where this crazy idea will lead me to. Will I find what I am looking for? Will it make me happier? Not sure, but this I know to be true, "Today is the first day of the rest of my life." And I can be comforted to know, that I will dance like Taylor Swift when times get tough. With Confidence, freedom and not carrying about what anyone thinks.

A thousand years

Today was a very laid back day. Prudence the dog and I woke up late, but was able to get in about 9 hours of sleep. That's way insane. I need to be sleeping that amount during the work week, not vacation!

This morning Prudence relaxing on top of me.

After lounging around, listening to music and reading my book, I headed out for a very late lunch.

But not before taking Prudence for a small break. It was super cold and she didn't want to get wet. She's such a delicate flower. Hehe

It's very rainy and cold and being New Years Day, had no idea if anything would be open - but let's face it, this isn't a small town, this is Fort Worth and everything is open. I drove to my favorite chicken place.

I took this photo super fast, but this was the best chicken ever. This is in the top five favorite foods for me and just a slot down from my dads delicious grilled chicken.

And to keep warm, I headed to a Starbucks near the restaurant.

Last night I went to bed a few minutes before midnight and I was ok with that. I spent some time reflecting on 2014 and what I want for 2015, things I will do differently and what I need to do to be a better person.

I should head back to the apartment, I need to bum out a bit longer. I am picking up my sister from the airport at 6 am and decide, depending on weather if I should leave home. I hear theres going to be about three inches of snow there tomorrow.